my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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