Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
