If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
