Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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