hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
