yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
