Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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