I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
