Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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