if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
