You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He shit in the fireplace
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
