I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
