if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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