Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
