wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
