God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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