wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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