I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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