Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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