My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
