i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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