I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
