Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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