That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
