I am midnight drunk by noon
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
