when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
