Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When did angry sex become our thing?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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