sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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