there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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