hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
