Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
