i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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