I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
