I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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