I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
