just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
