3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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