my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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