I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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