Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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