Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
