Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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