My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
