Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
