my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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