If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Who wears a wallet chain?!
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
