So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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