i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
