How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he thought i was a dude.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
