You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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